you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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