The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it glows. i had to have it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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