So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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