Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
