I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
