Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
