Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
