if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
