im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
