At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
