i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
