This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
