so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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