Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
