I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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