I am puke
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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