he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
