got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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