Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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