Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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