Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
