i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
please don't ironically join a cult
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