i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
