last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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