Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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