I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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