Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
