If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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