Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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