I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
