I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize