Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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