it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
