And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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