is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
