idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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