Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
