My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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