found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
