Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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