if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
