I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
