Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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