Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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