And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
