Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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