i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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