my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
