When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
