Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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