so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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