If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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