I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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