Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
