when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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