I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
