just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
